This business was built on the idea that I wanted to give people the opportunity and confidence to try new things without cost, storage, or feelings of inability being barriers. I've told stories of my first times kayaking, snowshoeing, and more and the anxiety and "what-ifs" I had to overcome followed by the THRILL and joy that I found when I squashed those fears and just jumped in. You'd think, after so many experiences in life proving to me that yes, in fact, I CAN, that maybe....just MAYBE... I'd approach new opportunities with confidence and optimism, right? Pfft. Wrong.
A couple months ago, I decided to sign up for a 3-day backpacking trip my gym is hosting. I'd been working out pretty consistently for over 6 months and besides... I've hiked. I've camped. Isn't backpacking just sort of combining the two? I paid my deposit and confidently clicked "sign me up!" and honestly, hadn't thought much about it until we all got together for our first meeting the other day.
We talked through a little bit of the "what to expect" and learned about our packs...how to put them on, how to adjust them, etc... We even loaded them up with dumbbells and took a little walk around the neighborhood to get a quick sense of what it's like carrying the weight around. Afterall, we will be doing about 6 hours of hiking each of the three days we are on our trip, carrying all our food and gear on our backs. During the practice I could feel the excitement growing. "I'm really doing this", I remember thinking.
Then I got home.
I pulled out my trusty old hiking shoes from the closet, perfectly broken in and dirtied up. And then remembered that they've got a fuzzy lining for my usual cold weather hikes (I prefer shorter summer hikes in normal tennis shoes or sandals). I immediately felt myself getting anxious about the shoes being too warm for a mid-May 20+ mile trip and ordered a couple pair online to try on and (hopefully) break in before we leave in a month. This started a cascade of self-doubt that quickly blanketed any excitement I'd felt earlier in the day. Why hadn't I remembered my shoes were lined? Why hadn't I checked sooner?
Followed by....everyone else is probably more experienced than me. They're surely more fit. They probably all know each other and I'm the socially awkward outcast. I'm weird. Why am I so weird? Why have I chosen rest over workouts several mornings the past several weeks? Dumb. (sidenote- totally not dumb but my depreciating self-talk wasn't hearing it at the time). What if I get a blister? What if I can't sleep without my normal pillow? What if we encounter a bear? What if I can't keep up? What if I can't do it? What if I'm the slowest one? What if...what if...what if???
As the self-doubt grew, so did the panic. The feelings of wanting to back out. The "why are you so impulsive and say yes to this stuff" talk? The "you could totally think of an excuse to cancel" talk.
So I did what I always do when feeling unsure. I spiraled. And spiraled some more. Annnnnd spiraled a bit more.
Then I slept.
The next day, I made lists.
I made a list of things I for sure need. A list of things I might need or want if space allows. I made a list of things I wanted to learn before going. Of things to look up. Of things that could go wrong. Of things that likely would happen.
And in doing so, realized, I am much better off than my brain had given credit for the day prior. EVEN WITH rest days, I'm consistently working out and am stronger than I was 6 months ago EVEN IF I'm not as strong as I once was. I was assured there are others going on the trip who have not gone backpacking before and EVEN IF some have, big deal. That's more expertise on my side if we encounter an oddball situation (or bear!) My gym coach and his wife are the most real, supportive people on the planet. EVEN IF I'm slow or get a blister...they'll help. They'll slow down. They'll encourage me. EVEN IF, after 3 days and 20+ miles I realize backpacking isn't my jam, then at least I'll know better than to sign up for the next one.
Here's the thing you guys... in life and in adventures and new experiences, there is ALWAYS the possibility that something might not go to plan. Chances are, not everything will. But EVEN IF they don't, more times than not the experience and learning and FUN that come out of it are totally worth it. Most of the BEST things in life came with a healthy dose of fear and anxiety first.... relationships, parenthood, dream jobs....you name it.
Allow yourself to feel the fear. To have the feelings. Even to spiral a little if that's your jam. But also to plan for the "what-ifs" and know that most of them are just in your head. Then count to three and JUMP IN and do the thing anyway. You are much more capable than you think.
-Jess
*Enjoy this beautiful bean footage of our practice walk through a residential neighborhood with our packs. I'd love to know what people wondered about us when they saw us walk by!
